Many men are unable to allow themselves to feel real passion in their bodies because the sensation is too close to anger to be comfortable. This makes sense when you consider that the definition of passion is a “strong and barely controllable emotion”. What we hear in our practice is that the experience of passion might overpower a man and he does not know what to do with what he is feeling or how to contain it in a healthy way so he shuts it down.
Men have been told to repress their emotions since they were small children.
“Boy’s don’t cry.”
“Be a man.”
“Suck it up.”
“Don’t be a girl.”
“Don’t be a sissy.”
These phrases are all commonly said to young boys when they experience pain, fear, sadness or grief. They can cause boys to shut down their emotions and shutting down any emotion can cause a lifelong pattern of becoming numb or unexpressed emotionally.
Some men do have access to their anger but others shut this emotion down too especially when they have seen men around them express their anger in aggressive and violent ways. These men are so worried about hurting a woman they never express any passion at all. This also shows up in their lives in other ways in that they aren’t passionate about their career, have deep relationships with other men or strive to make a difference in the world. They become self-absorbed and rely on their woman to do all of their emotional processing for them.
Women feel this lack of passion. In dating, they respond to it with disinterest. Inside a relationship, they might start verbally or emotionally pushing the man to get some sort of reaction, just to feel something from him. She pushes and pushes and pushes that man until he explodes. She then can feel him. She can relate. If she doesn’t get a response or if her man withdraws, she will either double down on the anger, use cutting words and remarks to hurt him or withdraw herself feeling unloved and resigned that he has no passion for the relationship or her.
If you can not have a healthy expression of anger, it is hard to have a healthy expression of passion.
Think of how much women enjoy 'bad boys'. Not surprisingly, 'nice' guys we work with are often upset about this. 'Bad boys' have passion. It might come out as anger sometimes but it is actually easier for a woman to deal with an outward expression of anger than repressed anger. We feel everything, even those feelings that are unexpressed. When anger can’t be expressed by a man, we feel it under the surface and it is more frightening because we know it is there and we have no idea what he is going to do when it finally comes out.
Let's talk about make-up sex. Some people fight just to have the makeup sex afterwards. Many men who are uncomfortable with anger have a hard time understanding this dynamic. The expression of emotion when we fight can release chemicals that give us a high and in that energetic explosion we are now ready to fuck. We are not saying you need to actually be angry with your woman but some play fighting and wrestling, maybe a little dominance in the bedroom will give her access to some of your passion and desire for her and this goes a long way to having her open to you.
Many men do want to play this way with their woman but are troubled by the impulses they experience. They want to grab her, hold her down and fuck her but they think this isn’t a 'nice' thing to do and their 'sweet' girlfriend would never want that. Think again. Women want to feel your passion. They respond to your intensity of expression. Women live in the realms of emotion and feeling. Not being able to feel and properly express emotions leaves women feeling lost and alone in the relationship. Consequently, sex is less exciting and it happens less frequently.
In context of connected sex, a woman will open. The full expression of a her sexuality and orgasmic ability opens emotional floodgates at times. Shame, grief, fear, sadness, ecstasy and passion rush through her body. Negative emotions and stuck energies can be moved through her system and released. Positive ones such as bliss and a feeling of being connected to Universal love and light can be made stronger. Tears and laughter in turns are expressed. Your woman thrives in this setting. She melts and surrenders to you and to herself and she is then yummy, responsive, nurturing and playful. This is what women want. And if you are honest, this is the woman that you want.
When you are uncomfortable with your own negative emotions, you are unable to hold this space for a woman and create the conditions for this kind of release and delicious connection. She can not trust you to hold space for all that she is, for she is a force of nature full of emotions and depth. You want that. We know you do.
You have to be willing to to get real with yourself about your relationship to your own wants and needs, your relationship to the feminine and to your emotions. Learning how to feel your emotions, own them, express them and deal with the old ones that are damaging your intimate relationships is the work we do with you in our ACTIVATED MAN programs. On the other side, is a deeper, juicier relationship with women and the world.
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